At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
Albert Schweitzer
When I was 16 years old, my, then 59 year old, mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. After going through medical school with two kids, raising four, and starting the first all female OBGYN practice in the DMV, she was faced with early retirement. This tragic news came along a least 10 year into my battle over anxiety and depression.
For 20 years I have been in and out of therapy, and at different levels of “medicated.” I have been very fortunate to have excellent mental care (mostly) and I have responded well to medication. But I am here now because I think we’ve set the bar too low. Why should “our” goals be any smaller or any different than anyone else? Therapy teaches you to celebrate the little victories. You got out of bed this morning? Good for you! You took a shower today? Bravo! Don’t get me wrong, we should be celebrating the baby steps out of the darkness. But why do we stop there?
I am here to tell you we CAN and we SHOULD set the bar higher for ourselves. This is my experience of learning to set goals and have big dreams. I will be challenging myself to not only get out of bed in the morning, but to improve my business, my health, and my relationships. There is no limit to what I can do!
My hope for you is that you can see through my journey that not only is there a light at the end of the tunnel, but that light is abundant.
There is a trend going on in my industry that I’m going to call “tough love.” Let me start by saying that two years ago I never would’ve listen to a self-development podcast or read a self-development book, but now I can absolutely attest to the effectiveness of self reflection and self development. Recently, the material that I’ve been exposed to has been kind of “aggressive,” for lack of a better term. I totally get the benefits and reasons behind tough love. Being direct and honest is important, but I think we can do it with some compassion too. I thought today, while on my walk, listening to my daily podcast, “why is this guy yelling at me?” Look, I know the motivational speaker on the other end is not yelling at me, and I know he was just trying to get me to be honest with myself about where I stand in my life and my career. But it occurred to me that most of the podcasts I had listened to in the past few weeks sounded kind of similar.
As someone with anxiety, depressions, and issues with confrontation and authority, this is not the most effective way to coach me or teach me anything. I figure there must be other people out there who feel the same way as me. So here is what I propose. Comment on this post about topics you would like to hear about. Leadership, coaching, training, habit forming, goal setting, etc. Topics you have maybe heard on other “BOSS BABE” podcasts or blogs, but you didn’t respond to them in a positive way. I’d love to give you my prospective to help all the entrepreneurs out there who need some “tough love” but mixed in with some compassion and grace.
I live by the phrase “progress not protection” and that’s what my whole blog has focused on and it will continue to be that way.
Honest self-reflection is a critical part of making positive changes and adjustments in your life and your business. But how can we do this without being so hard on ourselves? Here is a great tool that I learned. Look at your business, your relationship, your job, your physical fitness from an outside perspective. Would you hire you? Would you want to date you? Would you follow you on social media. Outside affirmation and belief is so powerful and can be so useful in building your confidence self-worth, but it’s the affirmation from within that will change the game. But how do we answer these questions honestly, without being hurtful or too hard on ourselves?
Let’s take a look at the first example: would you hire you? Maybe you’ve never had to hire someone in a business before or conduct an interview, but I think it’s fair to say that you know what an employer is looking for in a “good” employee. Things like: punctuality, consistency, accuracy, dependability, also your attitude, demeanor, being a good conversationalist, and of course your credentials. In an effort to be as objective as possible give yourself a score or a grade in the areas that are pertinent to your job. I own my own business so for me it looks like this.
1-very bad to 10 – very good
Dependability: 6
Accuracy: 8
Punctuality: 10
Consistency: 4
Attitude: 6
Communication skills: 9
Okay, let’s start with these. I have some highs and some lows. My accuracy, punctuality, attitude, and communication skills all score pretty highly in my mind. But maybe I need to work on my dependability and consistency. Would you want to hire someone who was not dependable or consistent or had a bad attitude? Probably not. So the answer to my question is “no, I would not hire me.” Ouch. Right? But, here is the thing. Maybe you wouldn’t hire yourself today, but you’ve already identified the areas in which you can improve. AND I bet you gave yourself a couple of high scores too so way to go!!! Yes we want to score 10’s across the board and we can definitely get there, but you have identified your weak points and can focus on improvement there first.
So now, let’s dive a little deeper into the areas we may need to improve. Ask yourself and even ask your friends or loved ones: how am I dependable and how can I improve? For me, if I asked my friends and family they would tell me I am dependable in that I would drop anything to help someone in need. If a friend called me needing something, I would be there in a flash! But, my team mates would probably say, “sometimes it’s hard to get in touch with her.” Look at that, I am someone my friends would call if they were in trouble, that’s pretty good, but maybe I’m not available enough for my team. Ok so what can I do to make an adjustment. How about I set a schedule? OR How about I make “office hours.” If you haven’t set any boundaries with your team, they will assume you are always available. Maybe you are. But you don’t have to be. You can tell them, I am available from 9am-10pm and outside that time I will get back to you at my next availability. You are setting and managing expectations. Look, when you work for yourself and you work on your phone, you’re always on your phone, but you don’t always want to be working right? So set the boundaries and manage the expectations of your team and clients. Not only will this help you with some work-life balance, but it will also give you off time, so when you are “on” you can be “on” and DEPENDABLE!
Look, we have addressed an area where I need improvement. I have taken an objective look at my qualifications and skills and decided to make changes. But I’ve also given myself a pat on the back for the things I am doing well. Way to go me! This same principle can be used to any area of your life. Maybe your communication skills in your relationship are a 4, but your honesty is a 10. Awesome! You are super honest with your partner (not everyone can say that), pick up a book on communication in romantic relationships, make a point to work on it.
My point here is you SHOULD take an objective look at the various areas of your life that are important to you. But you should also give yourself some credit for the stuff that you’re good at already. We are all just humans, trying to do our best. If you are making progress you are making moves. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
This is a tough time for those of us suffering from common mental health issues and so I wanted to chime in.
“I’m fine.” How often do we say this, when we really don’t mean it?
How many times have your friends said “I’m fine,” and you just accepted it?
I am no longer in the service industry, but I worry about my service industry peeps. Many of us, on the outside appear to be extroverted. Energetic, talkative, social, etc. But the fact of the matter is, many of us are introverted. Behind the apron, or behind the bar we get to be someone else. Someone who is comfortable being social and interacting with strangers. We have a barrier of protection. Now with many restaurants either being closed, or servers and bartenders only being able to work limited shifts, these employees aren’t getting the social interaction they are used to. They probably spend most of their off time alone, after being exhausted by the social interaction of work. So that’s what they are used to. They aren’t used to calling up a friend to hang out or just to chat. They expect to socialize at work.
This adjustment has been very difficult for me, as I have chosen to leave the service industry. But I can only imagine what this adjustment has been like for those who were forced into it. Humans are social creatures, being social very literally helps us to stay alive. Lonesomeness and isolation wreak havoc on our minds and our bodies. And it often leads us down paths of addiction and substance abuse.
Addiction is sometimes referred to as a “disease of isolation, ” according to New Method Wellness. This theory works in two ways. A. Your addiction causes you to isolate yourself from loved ones and friends because of the dependent relationship you develop with the substance. Or B. Your isolation encouraged you to seek other sources of mood enhancement. Either way isolation can hurt you if you aren’t paying attention.
So often when we go into work we are told to “leave our problems at the door.” I think we all get the premise. The customers don’t care or want to know that you’re having a bad day, and you shouldn’t take it out on them. I get that. And I’m sure that’s the same in every industry. But faking a smile and a conversation is exhausting. There is some relief at the end of the shift when you and your buddies can talk shop over a beer or two, or just walking to the parking lot. But the chances you get to have that exhale are slim due to the regulations of the pandemic. So we are forced to keep our feelings locked up until when? Until they overflow? Until we turn to another substance for relief?
I am not a substance abuse counselor, or a therapist, but I am human and one who suffers from anxiety and depression. I can’t count the number of times I have said, “I’m fine,” when I really was not fine at all. I mentioned above the dichotomy of what you see and what goes on behind the scenes with service industry folk as a reminder. What you see on the outside is not the whole story. People who are suffering are often very talented at faking it. Even if your friends instagram or facebook makes it look like they are doing great, or the last time you saw them behind the bar they were laughing and smiling, it doesn’t meant they don’t need your help or friendship.
The moral of the story here is: ask your friends if they are ok. Even if you think they are. Even if they say, “I’m fine.” Keep checking in with them. Your small gesture means a lot to someone who feels lonely or isolated.
Also, be nice to your server or bartender. This is not ideal for them either, but they are doing the best they can. And remember they were out of work for months when leaving your tip!
The whole point of my blog is to show other people, like me, dealing with anxiety and/or depression that we can do better than just “survive,” we deserve to thrive. So let’s start the day off right and wake up bright-eyed and bushy tailed, or let’s just get out of bed a little easier.
I’ve talked before about how sometimes our feelings get labeled and we just run with it, in the wrong direction. I used to watch Friends reruns every night to fall asleep. Umm…for about 6 years. This behavior could maybe be seen as “Obsessive Compulsive” and considering my dads obsessive discipline and eating disorders running in my family, it’s not that far off that I might have similar behaviors. But I had heard the words “Obsessive Compulsive,” and I was basically scared into thinking I HAD to do this every night to fall asleep.
“Bed time,” is when my anxiety really rears it’s ugly head, I imagine that’s the same for a lot of people. When I was younger I had an overwhelming fear that my house was going to be broken into and the burglar would murder my parents, and other similar variations of that scenario. I suppose when my mind has a chance to quiet, that’s when all the thoughts, “what if..,” “remember when..,” “what did I say?” come into my mind. But if I fed into my “Obsessive Compulsive” behavior, my mind could be distracted from my own thoughts. Maybe true. Maybe not. Just about every bed time study suggests that watching TV while you fall asleep is to advisable. According to the National Sleep Institute, the blue light from your TV (phone, tablet, whatever) can delay the onset of REM which is when you are in your deepest sleep. Not getting enough REM sleep can cause you to feel drowsy in the morning. And for people like me, with depression, I already have enough trouble getting up in the morning, I don’t need to be feeling drowsy too! So did I spend 5+ years not getting optimal sleep? Probably. Did that have to happen? Probably not. But I was convinced I need to maintain this behavior. Flash forward to now. I sleep with my girlfriend, who does not want to watch Friends reruns ever, much less just before bed. So guess what? I fall asleep just find without the TV.
Ok. Pause. Don’t panic. I know being alone with our own thoughts can be scary and certainly anxiety provoking. How can you keep your mind occupied but quiet at the same time? Think good thoughts. Obviously easier said than done, but let me tell you how I can do it.
Let yourself think about feel the thoughts in your head. Ok. Full stop. This sounds scary and maybe like a bad idea, but hear me out. All anxiety is not bad, we know that. It’s part of our instincts that help us to survive. Anxiety disorders are the disproportionate feeling of this emotion. So back to the point, these thoughts are not all bad. So if Im going to bed, if I have these running thoughts of anxiety, I think them, or sometimes I write them down. To me, it signals to my brain, “Ok I hear you.” Acknowledge the feelings and know that you can address them at another time.
Think good thoughts. Remember the things you are grateful for. Even if they are small things from that day, or an overall gratefulness for something you have in your life. Maybe 3-5 things. Think them. Think of the people associated with them and the feelings you feel.
Believe you can fall asleep. Give yourself a chance to do it too. Get comfortable, close your eyes, and think to yourself, “I am falling asleep.” If you get into bed already thinking you won’t be able to do it, you are doomed from the start. And if you don’t give you self a change to even try, well you guessed it. You’re doomed. Believe it or not, you control your own thoughts, and your thoughts control your actions. It’s that simple.
Take control of your thoughts. Acknowledge the thoughts, even the ones that suck, and then change them. You have this ability, everyone does. And if you practice you will get better at it. Let me tell you an example:
My common anxiety thought before bed: Someone is going to break in and try to kill me or my family.
How I change it: Someone could try to break in, but I’ve locked the doors, I have set the alarm, and the dogs would bark if they tried. And it’s been 30 years and it’s never happened so I should be good tonight.
I’m acknowledging the fear, addressing that I’ve taken the reasonable and logical steps and thinking positively. Not too hard!
You have the power to direct your thoughts to positivity and to sleep (and to conquering you’re fears, accomplishing your goals, etc. but save that for another time.)
And like I always say, if you don’t get it one night, and you turn on your blue light of comfort, oh well! You’ll wake up maybe not as refreshed or whatever, but you’ll try again the next night. This is all about progress, not perfection. If you are trying to improve your sleep habits, you are already doing better than you were doing yesterday! And this is just the beginning of getting to the part where you are thriving and not just surviving!
I’ve talked about goal setting and vision. Having a specific vision that you can imagine vividly is essential to being able to achieve your goals. But, it also takes a whole lotta faith. I am not a religious person, but I do believe in the power of your own thoughts and the power of the universe. You gotta keep your faith, even on days when your goals seem to be further and further away. And remember the Silver Lining, on days you feel you’ve failed, which by the way, you did not fail.
I am going to use an analogy that I read in “The Secret.” When you drive across country from New York to California, you cannot see the destination physically. You can imagine it. You’ve seen pictures of the destination, you can imagine the weather, the ocean breeze. You drive in the day light through scenery that is familiar, but also new territory. You also drive at night, where the headlights light up the road 100-200 feet ahead of you. You can’t see the road a mile ahead, but you know it is there. Even if there is a storm you have to drive through, or sometimes you’ll have to pull over to let the storm pass. Most often you’ll proceed with caution knowing that you will get to the other side. Sometimes, your planned route has to change because of road blocks or construction, but there is always an alternate route. There are many paths to get to California and eventually, after trusting the road will unfold, you will get there.
What does this analogy mean for me? I have big dreams (California), a big house on a lake with a lot of land where my dogs and children can have room to play. Luxary cars for my wife and I, and college funds for my kids. But there is a lot of road ahead of me before I get there. I may not be able to see all of the “road,” I have to conquer to get to “California,” but I will have to have the faith that if I keep “driving” to my goal, the next stretch of “road” will present yourself. Even if obstacles present themselves, like a storm a long the way, there is a way to the otherwise. We cannot predict the storm or plan around them but we can have faith that they will pass if we keep “driving.” We have to be adaptable. We go in with a plan, directions to get to our destination, but unexpected things can always happen. The storm, a roadblock, your car breaks down. As the “road” unveils itself, so will the obstacles, so your directions may have to change, but you’re still going towards your destination, “California.”
I take my journey to my dream day, by day. I learn new things and adapt my road map. I hit unexpected obstacles, and I have to figure them out as they come. But if I focus on my destination, the road will continue to meet me. If I hit an obstacle I have to remember how far I’ve already come, (heck, I’m already like in Texas!) and that I have already set out for my destination, there is no turning back now.
I got off track. And guess what happened? I lost my mojo. I was not consistently completing my “5 Little Things” and now they are harder to do. The thing I really fell off on was reading everyday. The silver lining here is that I really see the value in reading everyday now. When I’m not feeding my mind I had less to write. My inspiration was not being sparked. I didn’t have any new ideas. Mostly I felt guilty that I had started this project of writing a blog to share my story with you, and I couldn’t stay consistent. But I also thought, “great, another thing I started and couldn’t finish because it got hard.” Story of my life: when the going gets tough…just forget about it. I’d need a whole other website to list the things that I’ve started and quit. But we cannot dwell on the past. What’s done is done. This is something I feel like I do a good job of believing. I realize it can be difficult for many. We cannot continue to punish ourselves for things not, or no longer, in our control. All we can do is manage our actions going forward. For example, because I stopped reading consistently I probably have not made the process in myself or my business and I’ve neglected my blog. The consequences: I probably won’t show up on any “mental health” blog discovery pages anytime soon, I could’ve lost a sale because I haven’t spent time developing my business skills. I could’ve messed up in my relationships because I haven’t been developing my interpersonal skills, etc. A whole slue of things could or couldn’t have happened because I neglected one of my 5 little things for a month.
Finding the silver lining is something I think I have been gifted with. With anxiety and depression this can be very difficult. Anxiety makes me think of all the possible outcomes and often focus on the worst outcomes. Depression makes me dwell on the negative things that have happened or might happen. Focusing on the negative can actually be toxic for our brains, according to Dr. Caroline Leaf, in her book, Think Lean Succeed. Believe it or not we have the power to decide what thoughts we allow into our minds. “The thoughts we focus on will grow,” Dr. Leaf says, so our challenge is NOT to focus on the negative thoughts that are constantly clouding our anxious and depressed minds. If you can find a way to focus on the positive or the silver lining, your positive thoughts will grow and you will pay less mind (literally spend less of your limited mental cash) on the negative thoughts.
So now what?
Well I could sit here and feel sorry for myself. Punish myself for my lack of discipline, but what will that achieve? Often depression or anxiety lets us punish ourselves for far too long. We feel the guilt and regret so deeply and for so long. But in the journey to better ourselves we must remember the we are only moving forward and not looking backward. And maybe, if you are lucky, you can me the silver lining. In my case, my lack of self discipline gave me something to write about. See? Silver lining. So now I recommit to my goal. I will read everyday. I will do my best. Hopefully reading everyday will help me to write more, and if not I will have to come up with another plan.
The moral of the story was started by a friendly warthog:
You gotta put your behind in the past.
Pumba
When I am setting goals it is easy to think of other times I have failed and use those as reasons to limit myself. But we can never make improvements to our personal lives if we limit ourselves based on the results we’ve had in the past. We have to take risks. You have to focus on the positive. I may have neglected my reading for a month, but in the past 3 months I’ve probably read more books than I’ve read in my entire adult life. So that’s something to be proud of, I think. Set a goal, strive for it with all your might, and if you miss, pull up your boot straps and try again. But in the meantime, remind yourself that you have made progress in your efforts to go after the goal in the first place.
I feel like it was time to set up my future, so I set a goal. My goal was independence.
Beyonce
The truth is, you probably already know WHAT to do to accomplish your goals. You’ve probably seen others around you complete these goals (sometimes with ease, frustrating I know) or similar goals. The WHAT is usually pretty obvious, or easy to Google. What I struggle with is the HOW. HOW can I accomplish WHAT I need to if I am lacking the confidence, the desire, the will power, etc? Then sometimes you need to dig into your WHY to figure out the HOW.
HOW?
We will get to WHY, but first I was to conquer HOW. HOW can I accomplish WHAT I need to when the urge to do nothing is overwhelming? Have you ever seen anyone else accomplish the same goals you are going after, and thought to yourself, “What do they have that I don’t have?” Well, here is the answer: NOTHING. Literally, nothing. No successful person has anything that you don’t have, I promise. Let’s think about what successful people “look like.” They are confident, they are driven, they have good habits, and they have perseverance (to name a few.) All of these skills are LEARNED. Yeah, Oprah, not born that way baby. And sometimes these skills seem unnatural to ourselves so we need to create an alter ego. Beyonce created Sasha Fierce because she knew she need to become someone else on stage to achieve the success she was looking for. It is not necessary to overthrow your whole self, I am still “me,” but at times I need to put on my Oprah hat and get shit done.
So confidence. How do we learn it? Think of a time when you felt confident. What was going on at that time? Were you having a good hair day? Had you just accomplished something you set out to do? Focus on the thing that made you feel this way. What skills do you possess that made it possible? You have to be able to celebrate you victories, often. Small and big victories alike. A little thing that gives me confidence is looking good. That’s why getting dressed is on my list of “5 little things” (see link to previous post.) I feel confident when my clothes fit and my hair and make-up are done. And I’m good at those things, so acknowledging that skill is also important. I don’t have any special training for hair and make-up. Several years ago I had to do my own hair for my sister’s wedding, so before that I asked my hair stylist to teach me how to curl my own hair, and I’ve watched a few YouTube videos about natural eye make-up. See? I don’t have any skill that you can’t have. I had access to learn the things that would make me feel confident. Another thing I focus on when I am honing in on my self confidence, is that I have always been successful in getting jobs. This is not cocky. I have certainly had my challenges and I have been turned down for many positions. But in the past 10 years I have moved jobs and cities a few times and I have always been able to get a job, eventually. This reminds me that I have skills that are desirable to employers. I also have been able to get jobs slightly above my skill set, which means to me that employers also see that I have the ability to learn and something about my personality is also desirable. Like any learned skill, confidence has to be practiced OFTEN. This can manifest in many different ways. However you practice this, remember to focus on the things that surrounded the time you felt most confident, AND if you can recreate anything about that time, DO IT.
Next I touch on habits, but I have a whole post on it, so go check out “5 Little Things.” But again, habits are learned. You didn’t come out of the womb brushing your teeth twice a day, did you? no! Your parents, or whomever, taught you and encouraged you to repeat it until it became a habit. So what are some common habits of successful people?
organization
taking action, quickly and often before they think they are ready
personal care
positive attitude
networking
frugality
rising early
sharing/giving back
reading
practicing gratitude
Some of you already employ many of these habits, but the others can be adapted by practice and consistency. For me, I am already pretty organized, I usually have a glass half full kind of attitude, and I am good at sharing and giving back. But, mornings are my nemesis and frugality is like a bad word to me. Networking makes my anxiety skyrocket too. Here is the thing, any learned behavior can be incorporated into your life through practice and repetition. Even things that make you anxious or nervous, through repetition can eventually feel more natural. I like to add the habits that I desire to my “5 Little Things” in order to develop them.
My OPRAH Hat
We all know the people we look up to, the people whose success we admire. Honestly, my idol is my dad, not only for his success, but for his generosity, and immense love for his family. But you all know who Oprah is so we will stick with her or this exercise. Oprah has an empire. Do you think she got there by doing what she always did, or by what everyone else does? Obviously not. One thing I admire so much about successful people is they don’t take shit from no one (fully aware that is grammatical garbage, but I feel like you have to say it that way.) This is a skill I do not possess. Imagine all the times she heard no, or people told her she couldn’t do it. Or even years into her success in 2004 when she wanted to give away 276 cars away to her entire studio audience, don’t you think so one on her team was like, “um…that’s crazy!” And she said “I don’t care, that’s what I’m going to do,” and so she did! That ability to be so obsessed with your goal (in this case, massive generosity) that you don’t care what the naysayers say is a quality of all successful people. This is NOT a skill I have. My anxiety is so tightened at any moment of confrontation, so when I get into these moments where I have to stand up for myself, I imagine “what would Oprah do?” Anytime I need to negotiate anything I need my Oprah hat or else I am at risk of being totally taken advantage of, and trust me, it’s happened. Or God forbid I have to talk to someone on the phone! Do you think Oprah made any million dollar deals over text message? Doubtful! Moral of the story here is, if there is a skill or a characteristic that you think you need but it doesn’t feel natural, consider how someone else embodies that thing and channel them.
WHY?
Finally, we come to WHY. So we already know HOW to get to our goals, and WHAT we need to do to get there. That’s the easy part for a lot of people. But what about the 46 million people who suffer from common mental illnesses? It’s not so easy. WHY am I going to get out of bed to accomplish what I need to? This is why I need to be clear on my WHY. My WHY is bigger than me, it’s bigger than my desire to accomplish any goal. WHY is what drives me to get out of bed, to get uncomfortable, to put on my Oprah hat. You have to figure out your WHY in order to get through the HOW and the WHAT. Think about what wakes you up in the morning, what makes your smile, what is important to you. Those are the things that give us a reason WHY. Anytime the going gets tough, or you can’t get through WHAT you need to do, sometimes your HOW will manifest in you WHY. HOW can you make it through the toughest of times, to push through the sucky times you have to focus on your WHY, while employing the tools of your HOW. It’s not complicated, but it’s also not easy. But the tools are here.
You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. the secret of your success is found in your daily routine.
John C. Maxwell
It’s not all unicorns and butterflies. Yes, I have figured out a way to not limit myself or my goals, but boy do I still have bad days. Days when I’m exhausted before I even get out of bed, or I’m overwhelmingly sad or anxious. Days when I do not want to get out of bed. But staying in bed isn’t going to get me to my goals. So I have 5 things that I have to do everyday to make me feel like I have accomplished what I need to in a day, in order to get to my ultimate goals. So how did I choose the 5 little things?
Don’t include things that are already habits. I already brush my teeth everyday so it does not need to be on MY list.
Think of things you would like to make habits.
Think of things that are building blocks to getting to your goals.
Be realistic. Think of things you can accomplish EVERYday.
Remember to do things for yourself.
A good way to start this process is to think of a day that was a really good day for you. What things did you accomplish that made it a good day. Eliminate the things that are already habits. Take a look at what is left. Which of these tasks are related to your ultimate goal? If you are still over 5 tasks, think of the goals your want to accomplish first. And finally, WRITE THEM DOWN.
DRINK MY KETO COFFEE: This task gets me out of bed, assessment in my weight loss, and gives me energy for my day.
COMPLETE ONE CLEANING CHORE: This task helps me and my household. I am a firm believer that a clean home helps clear your mind, plus it’s generally good for your well being to live in a clean space. AND I have 3 dogs and a cat, there is a lot of hair.
GET DRESSED: I have a full time job, but I also have a side hustle that I work from home. I love to be comfortable, I love to be in my PJs. But if I stay in my PJs I tend to stay in bed, and inevitably nap on and off all day. In order to reach my financial goals and complete my other daily tasks, I must get dressed.
READ (OR LISTEN): My aunt, who I admire very much for many reasons including her professional acclaims, once told me “Leaders are readers.” Most of my life, I have hated reading, I always fell asleep and I was so slow. The number of books that I’ve read, cover to cover, every word, was probably 5. No joke. Forever, I convinced myself that reading was hard and boring, until I started doing it consistently. Now I read everyday, non-fiction for now, self-help for the most part. Things that I feel will empower me, or give me new skills. My commitment is to read 10 pages or 15 minutes everyday. Reading is a skill that can be developed and the benefits to reading are endless. Heck! It’s was reading 1 book that got me started on this path to entrepreneurship.
GO OUTSIDE: Everyday I just get outside. Now I certainly don’t mean I need to go out into the wilderness. I mean just stepping foot outside my door and if I’m lucky into the sunlight. Getting outside is the first step to getting many things done in my day.
These 5 little things are not groundbreaking, but they make me feel good and inch me closer to my larger goals. They are 5 things that I can totally get done in any day, even one that feels overwhelming. There is no timeline to these tasks. You have all day (I mean I try to drink my coffee in the morning, and generally get dressed before going outside). Just get them done EVERYday however you can.
Re-evaluate the 5 things every once in awhile. Again there is no timeline. See what things have turned into habits and replace those tasks with something new, or recommit to a habit you feel is slipping away.
Finally, 100% success, EVERYday is the goal, but not crucial. Look I get it, there are days when nothing feels possible, but having these 5 little things is somewhere to start. And if you miss 1 or 2 thins in one day, “oh well!” The world will not end! You are not a failure, you are HUMAN! Try again the next day.
Let’s recap!
5 things you want to do everyday
try to complete them everyday
if you do do them one day, forgive yourself
when you finish your tasks each day, congratulate yourself, be proud. Tell your best friend, your spouse, your dog, ME, that you did it!
Look at me, completing two tasks at once! 2 birds, 1 stone!
I have to give myself credit. I am capable of much more than I expected. Mostly because I didn’t even give myself a chance to try.
Take a minute and reflect about where you are starting. What are your goals right now? I needed to know where I was starting, to know where I was going.
My goals used to be vague and short sighted. I thought that if they were small goals my chances of failure were smaller and if I did fail, the goals were so vague, no one would notice. Let me address why both of these tactics do not work.
1.) Vague goals: a goal that doesn’t have a clear vision doesn’t give you much to look forward to. When your goals are specific you can see them more vividly and imagine what your life will be like once you’ve achieved your goals. For example: my old goal used to be “to have a lot of money.” Good thing to strive for? Eh. Not really. How much is “a lot?” What do I need “a lot “ of money for? Do your research. Not only is this good for goal setting, but it is a lot of fun! How much is the car I want? How much will the insurance be? How much will the wardrobe I want cost? How about the engagement ring you want to buy? I had to do my research because I truly didn’t know what the Audi Q8 cost, or how much a 4 karat solitaire diamond on a platinum band would cost. But in doing this research it allowed me to visualize possessing these things and what it will actually feel like to be able to give my girlfriend the ring she really wants. I can’t yet tell you exactly how much money I need because I’m still doing research. I’m currently working on my chef’s kitchen in my 4 bedroom house on 3 acres of land.
2.) Small/tiny goals: lets say my goal was to get out of bed everyday. Again, good goal to go for. But honestly, who can you celebrate that with? And then what? How is setting out of bed going to make you life any better or different than it is now? Sure! That’s a great start! But if I set a bigger goal, I have to get out of bed everyday to reach it. 2 birds, 1 stone. When accomplishing my goals will be life changing they are wildly more important to complete.
I think instead of SMALL goals we should set goals with SHORTER timelines. One very important goal for me is to pay off my credit card debt I built up in my early twenties. My Goa is to be debt free by January 2020. But for instance, it is my June goal to to set aside an extra $300 to my debt (besides what I already pay monthly). My short term goal is important to getting me to my longterm goal, but it also provides encouragement when I am able to reach it in a shorter period of time.
Another key to goal setting, I’ve found, is to write your goals down. I’ve been writing them down and editing them and perfecting them. Spending time focusing on my goals, brings me more desire and more dedication to accomplishing them. Writing them down makes them feel more real. And sharing them with other people (like you guys) makes me accountable. It’s hard to share you dreams and goals with other people, it makes you feel super vulnerable. It has made me feel like I’m inadequate almost. Admitting that I don’t like the way my life is now and that I have something in mind that I have not yet been able to accomplish. But if you think about all the people you admire most in your life, don’t you think they are striving for something better in their lives, even if from the outside it seems perfect. I have reached expert level in sharing my goals. I share them on social media, a lot. For beginners, write down your goals in a journal, tell your best friend, or your sister, or mom. Say them out loud, for you or someone else to hear. Solidify what you are going after.
Someone else’s opinion of you is none of your business.
Rachel Hollis
Sometimes people make opinions about us, sometimes they share them. Sometimes we make opinions about other people and sometimes we talk about them around the water cooler (is that still a thing?) The thing about opinions is that they are developed through one’s own experiences. This includes things people learn in school, people they talk to, things there parents teach them, lies their siblings tell them, who knows! Opinions can sometimes be factual, but they are never definitive. Rachel Hollis says, “Other people’s opinions are none of your business.” To me, this means other people’s opinions don’t have much to do with you at all. It’s mostly just a collection of their own experiences and knowledge. Opinions are not to be ignored however. It is important to be aware of how other perceive you. But it a perfect world I would hear an opinion, internalize whatever is valuable and forget it. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works. Hell, I still think of what people’s opinion of me in middle school was. During spring break in the 7th grade, I got an email from a “friend” calling me a “penguin” and telling me that no one liked me anymore. I came back from spring break and had been kicked off the popular table. But that’s a story for another time. Let me tell you why opinions are dangerous for me now.
As I stated before opinions are peoples perception of you. This perceived notion can come from facts learned in school, ie. Doctors, or other “grow-ups” who we usually blindly listen to. I go to therapy and pretty much listen to whatever my doctor says as fact. So when she says I’m doing a good job, I’m sure I am doing a good job. But what do I actually think? Yes experience and 7 years of medical school has taught her that the signs of my behavior shows I’m living my life pretty well, but is her “pretty well” the same as mine? Don’t get me wrong. I love my doctor, she is awesome. No nonsense, doesn’t sugarcoat anything and doesn’t let me ignore conflict like I would prefer. But I need to take what she says and then consider how I feel about it. I’ll give you an example with a different professional who’s opinion I took as fact by mistake. When I was about 25 I went to a hypnotist for weight loss. Before (unsuccessfully) being hypnotize we talked about my history with anxiety. She told me that it was no wonder that I couldn’t lose weight because my body was so overwrought with stress that it was in survival mode and had no energy to devote to burning calories or fat. FINALLY! An explanation. It felt like a relief almost. Look, I don’t know the science here. Maybe there is some validity to it. But in reality I was doing barely anything to try to lose weight on my own. I was maybe making it to a personal training session twice a week, eating what I normally ate and definitely drinking too much. But this explanation excused me from making the changes to improve myself. I was convinced that the problem wasn’t me it was my “biology.” It sounds silly saying it now, but I truly believed that my anxiety was preventing me from losing weight and there was nothing I could do about it. Then this theory expanded to other aspects of my life. If I didn’t get important things done it was because of my biology or chemistry or whatever. And here we are 5 years later and I am starting to lose weight. And guess what, I still totally have the same anxiety I had before!
So here is what all of this means to me. Opinions are important. They sometime hold validity, and it is important to be aware of other people’s perception of you. But that is all. It is a perception. My INTENTION is what I really care about. When I focus ferociously on my intention, other people’s perception fades away. People often think I’m abrasive or a bitch. That is their perception, my intention is to be direct and clear, so I don’t apologize for this. But I do realize that some people do not respond positively to this kind of communication so I have to be able to adjust my approach when necessary. Just as the hypnotists opinion was that it would be difficult for me to lose weight because of my circumstances, but when I focus my intention on losing weight, I am able to do it just as anyone else.
When people form opinions about you, YOU MUST remember their life experiences have caused them to form these opinions and not YOU. They did not create these opinions out of nothing, but they probably also don’t have much to do with you.
The purpose of this blog was created out of this theory. It was my families opinion, and my doctors opinion that I was doing well for myself, considering my anxiety and depression. So I went along with it. “Yeah, I’m doing great! I get out of bed in the morning. I have a job. etc.” But is that really what “doing well for myself” meant to me? NO! I want more than that! I decided I had set the bar too low because I was convinced by outside opinions. Now I have set goals that are much larger than getting out of bed in the morning. In MY opinion, I am capable of SO MUCH MORE.
It’s only by saying ‘no’ that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.
Steve Jobs
I come from a family of hard workers and entrepreneurs. My mom had her own medical practice, and all three of my siblings AND their spouses have their own businesses. My brother even invented something (show off!). I’ve always wanted to have my own business, but I never did the work. Maybe I thought I would get the talent and will power through osmosis, I certainly didn’t think I possessed it myself.
Truthfully, some people would call me a workaholic, but that was just a disguise for my inability to say “no” and if I wasn’t at work I would’ve been in bed. I was always doing what came easily to me and never challenged myself. It seemed to me that all the good things that had come to me in my professional life, had fallen in my lap. Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit. I was a restaurant manager by age 22, and a General Manager when I was 23. But again, when you don’t say “no” to anything, you become a pretty desirable employee, but not a great human being.
I was pretty good a being a restaurant manager. My employees liked me, I am excellent at customer service, I love teaching people about food and spirits, and I can multi-task with the best of them. But as a restaurant manager my job is to execute someone else’s dream. How depressing! What was my dream?
That’s the real challenge? What was my dream? Forever, I thought my dream had to be my career. What did I want out of my career? Did I want to open my own restaurant? Not really. Did I want to keep running other people’s restaurants? Definitely not. What I just learned is that your “dream,” doesn’t have to do anything with your career. Sure, it can, but it certainly is not required. Your dream is what you want you life to look like as a whole. From how you want to dress to how you want to feel to what kind of stove you want to have and if you want a door knocker or a doorbell.
You never ever learn how important it is define your dream, when really we should be doing this first before making any kind of decisions about your life. Your dream will evolve and change as you learn more about yourself and your desires. I write it all down. Anytime I think of something I want. I write it down in a journal.
To the Limit 